Lost Daughters: Quest For Love

For a very long time-years in fact I allowed my family or more importantly parents to project their personal fears onto me which cast a shadow in my own life. Restricting me, keeping me from my own happiness-but not any longer. Their fears say more about who they are their mistakes, memories or opinions should not be an obstacle in my very own and real life.
I do love my mum and dad tremendously, yet I am not them and should not strive to be.

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I realize that my failed reunion affected my mum and dad more than they like to admit and their bad experiences or as mum like to call it "her worst fear" came true it is just like they now believe all Koreans are like mine. Which in this case means greedy and money hungry, but I cannot fault them even if I try to. They are my flesh and blood and I love them despite everything.

Because of my own background I am very curious and eager to learn more about Korea and it's culture, I do even consider moving back to Korea - I told my parents this once. Now I rarely mention it because my parents wants me to learn from my mistake and move on with my life. They don't know that that thought and idea still isn't abandoned by me...

I think neither of my parents can fully understand what it means to grow up around people who don't even resemble you... I do want to find love and start a family with children that not only resembles me but that actually share a genetic connection with me. To me that is important-I won't lie anymore...

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That's why I strive for finding a Korean man, to me that is of utter importance and I recently begun to date just such a guy. I will not allow myself to acknowledge potential problems before I really need to I will instead try to see it as oppertunities and possibilities. Why should my sister's difficult and strained marriage have to become my faith as well, why should my relationship neccessarily end in divorce just because my oldest sister did just that?

I will take a chance at life and happiness, and not stay behind closed doors hiding in the shadows as my life pass me by...

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My maternal grandmother (my adoptive mum's mother) intially rejected the idea of my dad as a son-in-law and husband to my mum because of old stereotypes and wellknown prejudices-which could have prevented my parents from marrying. If mum refused to believe that back in the 70s I for sure should be able to overlook a similar misconception in the 21st century.

The heart wants what it wants, I refuse to deny it...

Why cannot mum try to be more openminded and just try to be happy for me-happy that I finally found love. Someone that loves just as much as I love them-love is never easy it's a part of life which isn't easy either.

Chances are 50%-50% that I eventually settle down with a -if not Korean guy then at least an Asian man , who knows right ? But even if I don't if I marry a typical Swede I still feel very strongly even passionatly about the Korean culture. I would still like to honor that Korean part of me and I imagine myself doing it in this way. Some of them though I can still do, I do try to learn Korean and I often eat Korean food - I like it because it's hot and spicy-just like I am (the spicy part).

Study Hangul (the Korean language)
Eat Korean food
Have a traditional Korean wedding (possibly not Korea)
Go on a honeymoon to Jeju Island
Give my children Korean names
Allow my future children the possibility to learn Hangul
Travel often to Korea, if not to settle there

I still can't understand why it would be something negative to hold on to your roots, occassionally people acccuse me of living in the past, not being able to let go. Maybe more so not being able to get on with my life.

Of course I know, I'm not defined by my adoption yet I don't want to deny it. Nor do I try to hide the fact that I'm an ethnic Korean.