Stephanie Kripa
Cooper-Lewter I definitely think adoptedness plays a role in
how I parent ... I see it everyday. Here is a link to the book Parenting As Adoptees -- some
beautiful perspectives. My daughter and I wrote a chapter entitled
"Beautiful." I think there is a definite need for continued
conversation and writing on this from our varied perspectives.
Mila I can say without a doubt that my parenting is profoundly influenced by my experiences growing up as an adoptee, both in overt and covert ways, and both in positive and negative ways. I fear projecting too much of my experiences of rejection onto my children while simultaneously fearing that my children will feel rejected by me, particularly emotionally.
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| http://parentingasadoptees.com/ |
Mila I can say without a doubt that my parenting is profoundly influenced by my experiences growing up as an adoptee, both in overt and covert ways, and both in positive and negative ways. I fear projecting too much of my experiences of rejection onto my children while simultaneously fearing that my children will feel rejected by me, particularly emotionally.
My experiences of race as a transracial adoptee also inform
my parenting since our children are biracial. I grew up in a family that was
oblivious to racism and one that still generally denies that I have been
affected by growing up as an Asian in predominantly White communities. My
husband and I are making sure to raise our children with an awareness of their
race and how the world will respond to them. We are also trying to instill
confidence and a sense of pride regarding their Korean heritage. Of course,
this presents complications as a transracial, transnational adoptee because I
obviously did not grow up with any exposure or knowledge to Korean culture or
people. But I am determined to empower our children all the more because I was
not.
Regarding my fear of my children feeling rejected by me -- I
think this fear has the potential to lead to some borderline unhealthy
parenting behaviors if I do not keep them in check. You know how they talk
about young children experiencing separation anxiety as a part of normal
development during early childhood? Well, I experience separation anxiety as a
parent, due to my experiences as an adoptee. I fear that being separated from
my children will result in them feeling rejected by me. This emotional aspect
of my parenting is very difficult to overcome. It is a profound anxiety.
However, the good side to this is that I am very sensitive to their emotions
and both my husband and I focus on teaching them how to understand and express
their emotions in a healthy, productive, confident way. Because I was taught
that my emotions were bad, that I could not feel complex emotions about being
adopted or otherwise, I have a deep conviction about equipping our children
with the abilities to embrace and appreciate their emotions.
Also, our son is SOOOO much like I am. He's basically my
emotional mini-me. As an adoptee, this has been a profound experience -- seeing
myself in our son, and it compels me to parent him in the ways that I did not
receive. Most parents can relate to this idea. But I think as an adoptee, it
can be so much more complicated and surprising and confusing and wonderful
simply because we never experienced that biological connection growing up. You
revel in it as much as you grieve over what you realize you lost. Parenting as
an adoptee has thus far been an incredibly emotionally enlightening experience
and one that is constantly influenced by my adoption journey. Also as a
reunited adoptee, my parenting of our children regarding their Korean family
and origins is very complicated and requires much thought, particularly because
my adoptive family is not accepting of my Korean family or origins. I have to
learn to reconcile these differences, so that we can raise our children with
the wisdom to know how to understand and reconcile the dissonance that exists.
I also feel VERY protective of my children emotionally
because of how unprotected I felt emotionally as a child. I also feel
protective of their uniqueness. Our son is clearly a very different kind of
boy. As an adopted person who grew up feeling so much shame and rejection for
being so different within my family and within the communities in which we
lived, I want to teach our children not to feel ashamed of the ways that they
are different. Rather I want them to feel empowered and proud of the ways in
which they are different. This obviously requires me to overcome my own shame
and discomfort regarding my sense of self.
Rosita Initially,
my parenting could be considered a product of my parents’ experiences (both
successes and mistakes), but I think that applies to just about any parenting.
As our society evolves so do we as parents.
I learned from my adoptive parents, but what they couldn’t
teach me was my racial identity. I learned to be resilient as a transracial
adoptee in a rural Tennessee
town, but that experience also prompted me to protect my own children from the
ignorance and narrow-mindedness I faced as a child.
When my husband and I started planning to have a family, I
made it very clear that I wanted our children to live in an ethnically diverse
community. This was the voice of a naive mother. I quickly discovered that I
could never fully protect them.
My guiding force, my adoptive mother, died just nine months
after my first child was born. So, I do feel rather lost. While she was not
fully equipped to help me with my race, she could certainly have been able to
comfort my children as she did me. I mourn that fact alone as I often see my
daughter wish for her grandmother, a woman who would call just about every day.
Women need women and the perspectives of the past.
My racial identity (http://mothermade.blogspot.com/.../slow-to-see-myself.html)
is still evolving, but my children have become the catalyst to my discovery.
They question their biological, cultural history and their racial relevance,
things I feel inadequate addressing. Their awakening is coinciding with my own.
I have sought Korean surrogates, culture camps (http://mothermade.blogspot.com/2013/07/our-independence.html)
and a network of Korean adoptees to help me find my way and theirs.
I also find myself unable to navigate the mixed race
element. I have one child who is obviously Korean but who wishes he were white
and unnoticeable. On the flip side, I have a child who looks like her white
father. I was thankful for this because I believed she would be spared the
ridicule. But she sometimes feels outside the race conversations I have with my
son (http://mothermade.blogspot.com/.../the-misguided-guide.html).
She wishes she could look more like me and be noticed as an Asian American.
Bottom Line? My parenting challenges are the same as most
parents, but my transracial adoptedness has posed the biggest parenting
obstacles, and often I am reminded of how little I know. But I guess we all
have our moments of feeling this way, adopted or not. (http://mothermade.blogspot.com/2013/05/what-we-pass-on.html)
All I can do is love them as I was loved, hold them tight,
listen intently to their voices, respect their reservations and seek the
answers we all want to know.
Peach Having my
son awakened my heart to recognize and cherish the mother/child bond I lost as
an adoptee. He is the only biological relative I have had the privilege of
living every day family life with, and I feel so blessed. To love this deeply
taps into the primal fear of loss (especially after having to leave him in the
NICU every night for four months), and I have to work constantly to let go of
it, and enjoy every precious moment.
Lynne What Peach
said resonates because my son is the only biological relative I've ever lived
with. He is 19 now and I'm so proud of the man he has become. He is loving,
caring and open. The talks we have warm my heart because he is not afraid to
bring to me subjects that most would think of as off-limits, which is something
my a-mom and I never had.
I have parented my daughter (age 8) in a way that values who
she came out of the womb to be -- not who I want her to be. This is the
opposite of how I was parented. It was expected that I would be like my a-mom
and I don't want my daughter to feel that pressure to be like me, unless she chooses
to. Some of the ways she is like me is that she is creative, and is pokey in
the morning and is sensitive. Luck of the genetic pool!
My being adopted has affected my son. He met his biological
grandmother one time on a trip when he was a freshman in high school. He just
recently learned his ethnic background on my side, which of course, affects
him. He appears to take all these things in stride, but it is an unusual
scenario as compared to his friends. Anything I learn about my own family
background, affects him and his future children -- whether it be new medical
history, a breakthrough on the family tree, or new family members.
Christina If anything, being adopted
by the people I was has taught me what kind of mother I DON'T want to be. I'm
much more lenient with my kids, and yet, am able to discipline them effectively
without them fearing me. I've learned that unconditional love is possible and
that it's okay to make mistakes as long as your kids know that you are trying
to be the best mother you can.
Deanna Shrodes I
believe we can learn something from every person, and of course our parents,
whether bio and adoptive are at the top of the list. I have learned from all of
mine everything I want to be AND not be. As a child and as an adult, I have
been under the tutelage, carefully observing things I want to incorporate into
my parenting, or not. Sometimes people teach us much more of what NOT to do
than to do. And I think that's okay. As long as we learn and then do better,
because of what we now know by example.
