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| Adoptee Rhonda Noonan |
Rhonda, your new
memoir The Fifth and Final Name is
captivating in so many ways. It reads like a mystery suspense novel and you are
a detective. As an adoptee, you show such courage and persistence; your search
to find answers and family has taken 28+ years and really still hasn’t ended.
What part of your journey has been the most difficult?
RHONDA NOONAN: Without
a doubt, the hardest part was looking, running into dead ends, and continuing
forward; many times with absolutely no clue what to do next. I commanded myself
to think, look at it all again, and think some more. It certainly didn’t help
when I was lied to by the “system” and treated as though I was “troubled” because
I had the audacity to ask for my own identity!
Praying was involved… and good friends were called upon to cheer me up
when times were rough.
In three decades, are
you surprised how many states do not help adoptees by releasing their birth
records and original birth certificates?
RHONDA: Because
of my work, over the years, as a therapist to many adopted kids, I knew all too
well the “rules of engagement” with the record holders. I have never truly been
surprised, as adoption has become such an enormous money-maker and keeping records closed, and
secrecy looked at as a matter of “procedure,” if you will - assists those who would use children for
profit. If you can keep perpetuating
lies to the ignorant masses, that birthmothers were promised anonymity, or that
open records increase abortion rates, taking babies away from their mothers
will continue to line the pockets of adoption agencies and attorneys. My
personal experience with adoption was a good one. I was certainly a child in
need of a family! Sadly, however, it is often the case that birthmothers and
babies would benefit much more from assistance aimed at keeping that child with
their mother. In a better world, we will come to understand that. At the very least, that child’s knowledge of
their identity should NEVER be compromised in the process.
Has the genealogy of
your birthmother Pat revealed any surprises for you? I was thinking of the one
psychic who revealed you may have Native American ancestry.
RHONDA: Actually, the Native American blood would
have to be on the Churchill side, as it is believed that Sir Winston’s
grandmother was Iroquois. My birthmother was not Native American.
Has your work in
adoption and attachment disorder treatment changed, knowing what you know about
adoption, being an adoptee yourself? Are you still the Clinical Director of
Shadow Mountain Hospital, an in-patient psychiatric facility in Oklahoma?
RHONDA: It would
be more accurate to say that learning about attachment disorder explained ME. Even as a very young person I knew what it
FELT LIKE to have those struggles with intimacy and relationship but didn’t
know why. My work and education has provided those answers, for which I have
been very grateful. Attachment disorder,
because of the cellular trauma that often sets it in motion, is difficult to
address, and change or work on, EVEN IF you know all about it! What you know cognitively is one thing, but
who you are through experience is quite another. For me, it has been a life-long work in
progress.
I am no longer working in in-patient facilities and left
Shadow Mountain some time ago. I prefer outpatient work and continue to see
children and families in my practice.
In Chapter 10 “The
Equal Sharing of Miseries” you shared your riveting presentation with Chicago’s
Cook County DHS departments. How did they respond to your “Truth in Adoption”
presentation?
RHONDA: It was a
great day. The response was wonderful and interactive. The “front-line”
workers- those who deal with the naked realities of our human services
organizations every day - know all too well the importance of children being
with their parents. All one has to do is ask about their toughest cases…and how
many of them are adopted kids, or kids living away from their parents. The general
public needs to come to realize that children know, internally, what has
happened to them when they lose a mother. They KNOW. They were there. They
experienced it. They were not an unconscious blob of matter with no incoming
stimuli! You can give them another mother but you can never erase that
experience or its impact.
Many times I hear “but (so and so) is adopted, and they
don’t want to search…they are just fine without it!” That, of course, comes
with the insinuation that I must NOT be fine (whatever that means). The
hundreds, if not thousands of adoptees I have worked with over the past thirty
years, in mental health settings, taught me one thing: it is most healthy to
want to know something of your past; to have a curiosity and openness, rather
than pushing it aside as though it never happened. It is a
sign of resilience and strength, confidence and hope.
You learned your
birthfather is Randolph Churchill. Do you think he met you prior to your being
placed in a closed adoption? Is it possible he checked on you when you were
growing up?
RHONDA: Based on
what the state employee shared with me about her meeting with Randolph, I
suppose it is quite possible he saw me as an infant. There are many unanswered
questions about that period of time. I still hold hope that someone may emerge
with some knowledge about the particulars but I know that time is running out.
After all, it was 57 years ago! As for checking on me later, I would have no
idea. It is all possible, as there were several people who knew about me and
they certainly knew my adoptive grandfather, so it would have been easy to do.
I have learned that NOTHING is impossible!
For adoptees like me, hearing
“your grandfather loved you” is so terribly important. How did this message affect
you, knowing how important a man Winston Churchill was?
RHONDA: My
discovery, that Winston Churchill was the Grandpa I had so wanted to find,
didn’t happen until 2009. So, I had “known” him, internally, if you will, as an
ordinary man up to that point; certainly not a world leader. The belief that he
cared about me was, literally, the only thing that mattered to me for many
years. I always find it a bit difficult to explain how I look at him now. He is
still “just” my Grandpa; not to minimize in any way, but the fact that he saved
Britain (and possibly the world as we know it) has little to do with my
feelings for him. I have boundless pride and admiration for his
accomplishments. I am just thankful to have him in my life, and I believe,
beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he has worked “behind the scenes,” to not only
help me find him, but also to forward the cause of truth in adoption. Winston
Churchill was a force to be reckoned with. I suspect he still is.
A significant constant
in your life, and such a supportive woman, is your adoptive mom Jean. What can adoptive parents learn from Jean?
RHONDA: Courage.
Even in the face of something she did not understand, my mom assured me she
would always be there for me. I knew it scared her for me to search but she
never showed it to me. Instead, she assured me that she knew our relationship
would never be “less than” because of my need to know. She did not personalize
it or try to make it about her. Mom saw it for what it was…my right to know who
I am. My dad, Jim, passed away in 2005
so he didn’t see me find my family. The whole idea scared and worried him and
nothing I said ever seemed to help that. In my case, with my parents, their
responses to my need to search had everything to do with the status of our
individual relationships. If the relationship was open and honest, things were
not as scary. If the relationship was not as solid, the search was scarier. Mom
and I were closer and had more open communication. I think it was really that
simple.
Rhonda, your writing
is perfection! Are you planning to write a sequel, about making your
connections to relatives in England?
RHONDA: Thank
you, but unlike my illustrious grandfather, or my father who was also quite an
artist with the English language, I do not fancy myself as any sort of master!
As is obvious from my writing, I am a rather plain-spoken, to-the-point kind of
person. If you had asked me, even five years ago, if I would ever write a book,
I would have assured you I would not! This story is too important, however. I
had to put the pen to paper.
As for another book, it is too soon to tell! I cannot
imagine it, but this tale is certainly not over. We’ll see how things unfold.
Never say never…
Visit Rhonda at her website: www.TheFifthandFinalName.com. Her new
book (ISBN: 978-0-9886597-0-4, Chumbolly Press) is available online (at
Amazon.com) and in other fine bookstores.
