When the newborn photos of a 13-year old teenage when viral last week,
The Lost Daughters bloggers had a lot to say.
Is dealing publically with post adoption issues--while still a minor--a good idea?
However, as adult adoptees, (the “experts”!) we know there are deeper issues present here beyond what seems on the surface to simply be an inspiring story. This young man has deep post adoption issues. Boys often have more of an issue opening up about their true feelings about being adopted. This young man did express his loss in at least one respect. How amazing is that?! The photo shoot may have been a good tool to help him privately work on his post-adoption issues. However, they should have never been publicized. Even if he wanted them to be. He’s still technically a child. He hasn’t fully dealt with his post adoption issues. I expect this kid will probably come even further out of the fog as he becomes a man. Chances are he will TOTALLY regret that this is out there. Not to mention, HE never put it out there! His mother did! And it was never her story to tell.
I don’t believe many adoptive parents (even the ones who
haven’t gone viral or famous) realize the damage they do (or will do) to their
adopted children by posting photos of them, along with their children’s
personal information and stories on Facebook or blogs, even with the best of
intentions. Even if the kid says he doesn’t mind or even WANTS the parent to
tell the story or show the pictures, they are not at the point of maturity to
make that decision. Furthermore, there is psychological research that proves,
involving the adopted child in sharing the story publicly in any forum can
cause long lasting damage.
I believe one downside
of this story going viral is that it may further solidify the feelings of
some adoptive parents that putting their child’s story out there is a good
thing and will prompt more of this potentially damaging behavior.
Whether he agrees to it or not, there will be nothing he can
do to take it back. It will forever be on the internet and may actually serve
as a trigger for further trauma.
Perhaps there are better ways to deal with adoption
trauma ...
Amanda Woolston
-- I
don't really have an issue that he wanted to take pictures in the spirit of
having baby pictures of his own. Therapeutically, there are ways people not
well nurtured as children can care for that inner child that was harmed. If she
intended for this to be therapeutic, she should have consulted with an adoption
competent therapist.The photos did not belong on the internet.
Even if posting it online was his idea, it is her job as his mother to make
the right choice regardless. I disagree with her decision to post it and then
subsequently tell his story on the internet.
Conversely, who hasn't written a Facebook update about something our kid
said?
Lynn Grubb -- I don't really
have a big issue with this. If the parents are telling the truth, Latrell
wanted these photos. First as a joke, but probably at a deeper level, to mourn
what he could never get back - pictures of himself as a baby. His mom posted
them on Facebook probably not anticipating how fast these would go viral. We
all generally post pictures of our kids on Facebook. I think there is also a
positive outcome as well as quoted in the article:'The one reaction that is really humbling and I’m really excited about is there have been a lot of parents that come to me telling me that they were thinking about adopting a baby, but after seeing those photos it’s changed their minds and they want to adopt an older child,' Higgins said.
At the age of 13, Latrell may have posted these himself on his own Facebook.
I remember a lot of 13-year-olds (when my son was that age) lying about being
older so they could be on Facebook (I believe the age requirement was 14). I
don't believe his mom meant any harm and clearly, did not think about future
consequences; but, any of us who use
Facebook may have used poor judgment in posting pictures of our kids and/or
funny things they say that maybe later, they wouldn't want the world to
know.
Rebecca
Hawkes -- I also wasn't quite as bothered by this as others.
For one thing, I'm aware of how common it is for children adopted at an older
age to regress in certain ways in the adoptive family -- to in essence go back
and retrieve things they missed out on the first time through.
Loss of / lack
of baby pictures is a huge issue for many who have experienced disrupted
childhoods, so his impulse seemed very natural to me. I hear and understand the
concerns others have expressed about privacy, and I think they are valid. But I
also think we need to keep in mind a few other things as well. As a mother of
children who are almost as old as this boy, I know that today's kids consider
my notions of privacy to be somewhat antiquated. They've grown up with
Internet. They are the generation of the "selfie" (a photo taken of
oneself especially for social networking).
I talk to my daughters all the
time about Internet safety--about not revealing personal information or
posting anything that they might regret later. We talk about the Internet being
forever … all of that. But I've also had to accept that they expect to live
their life publicly in a way that is foreign to many older people.
Adoption is
also more public than it once was. Many of us grew up not talking about our
adoptive status much, but my daughter isn't like that. She's much more out
there about her whole experience. Additionally, we don't directly know this boy
or his personality, and his parents do. Some kids are private and sensitive;
others are hams … natural performers who love the spotlight.
That said, I agree
with Deanna that people are missing the point if believe that the photo somehow
"fixes" everything for this boy or makes up for all he has
experienced. Even if he's in a good place now and feeling safe enough to
connect with his "inner baby," so to speak, he has still experienced
heartbreaking losses that no child should have to experience. We are not
relieved of the responsibility of advocating for better support services for
at-risk families simply because some kids manage to survive disruption and
foster care to arrive at relatively "happy" endings. Many others end
up in less-than-ideal adoptive families or age out of the system at age 18
without finding a permanent support system.
I think the primary question for me is, "Is this child's experience
being defined by him or by his adoptive parents?" As an adoptee, I'm
bothered when the adoptee is not allowed to self-define but rather must conform
to some expected role. Not knowing this family personally, I don't have enough
information to evaluate.
Who is defining the adoption narrative?
Deanna -- You make some
great points, Rebecca. I guess for me it does boil down to whether the child is
exclusively defining his experience with no suggestion or pressure...And having been a child adoptee who defined my experience one way and then became an adult adoptee who defined it otherwise, I wonder how he will feel about it in the years to come.
Rebecca -- I agree that
it's tricky.
Deanna -- Yes. Very. On
one hand I'm really glad about what Lynn shared--the quote about people
changing their minds about adopting a baby and considering older children. On
the other hand, I worry that it will fire up a bunch of a-mommy bloggers to
start doing photo shoots and blogging them. Know what I mean?
Rebecca -- Ah yes, I agree.
I can step back and say, "It's not my place to judge this one family's
choice because I don't know all the details," but I do not think I would
want this type of thing to become a trend!
Another thing I'd like people to take away from this is just how important
things like baby pictures and other mementos of pre-adoptive history can be.
This boy's longing is an important reminder to social workers and others that
such things matter. My adopted daughter had a "life book" that got
lost in one of the transitions from foster home to foster home, but she did
have some photos when she came to us; these and additional early-childhood
pictures that she was given later by her original mother are among her most
valued possessions.
Deanna -- You're right!
It's so important!! I have nothing. And nothing now could ever make up for it,
except for those photos being released to me, if they exist.
Rebecca -- Exactly! Even in
my case, adopted so young, I wish I had a pre-placement newborn photo. It would
mean so much to find out that a photo existed of me in earliest days! So can
you even imagine having a photo gap of years?!
Agencies should encourage, preserve and pass-along actual newborn photos
Amanda -- I have three
blurry Polaroids of me as a newborn that I received only after my State passed
a records access law in 1999 and I figured out how to navigate it in 2009.
Before then, I only ever had photos from five months and older when I went to
live with
my adoptive parents. I took over 500 photos of each of my children in their
first 5 months of life. Yet I had none of myself---had never so much as seen a
newborn picture of myself until just a few years ago. I do identify with a
sense of loss as a result of not having any early baby pictures. It makes me
feel as though no one care enough to take them or preserve them for me.
Perhaps this is not the case. But it is the message that gets sent. No one preserved any photos of me and made sure my adoptive parents received them--why did no one think this was important?
Has good come from this story? It's possible. Perhaps people will see a non-stereotyped view of foster adoption that shows the human side of a child rather than the societal view that makes foster and older child adoption look too scary for people to consider. This ties into what Lynn said. As Rebecca mentioned, this story also shows how the things most people take for granted, pre-adoption history and photos, are very important to make adopted children and adults.
Yet, take a bigger step back. Potential benefits to others are not worth any consequences the child may face as a result of these photos being posted online and going viral. Adoptees embody many life lessons that the rest of the world needs to hear. We are living messages of adaptation, survival, resiliency, strength, and the power of a variety of connections in life. Yet it is not our job to serve as educators, connectors, and bridges. It is not our job to be made as examples for others. We can serve in this role if we choose to---if we choose to.
Did this child really choose to have this photos posted online? I am not sure, it is possible. Was it wise of a parent to post photos that peers might eventually make fun of online that tie in to his sensitive emotions on loss, family, and being adopted? I question that. Ultimately, the parent had a final say as to whether or not it was wise to post it online--the parent posted it not the child. The parent could have said, "this is not a good idea" but they did not. I disagree with their decision.
Perhaps this is not the case. But it is the message that gets sent. No one preserved any photos of me and made sure my adoptive parents received them--why did no one think this was important?
Has good come from this story? It's possible. Perhaps people will see a non-stereotyped view of foster adoption that shows the human side of a child rather than the societal view that makes foster and older child adoption look too scary for people to consider. This ties into what Lynn said. As Rebecca mentioned, this story also shows how the things most people take for granted, pre-adoption history and photos, are very important to make adopted children and adults.
Yet, take a bigger step back. Potential benefits to others are not worth any consequences the child may face as a result of these photos being posted online and going viral. Adoptees embody many life lessons that the rest of the world needs to hear. We are living messages of adaptation, survival, resiliency, strength, and the power of a variety of connections in life. Yet it is not our job to serve as educators, connectors, and bridges. It is not our job to be made as examples for others. We can serve in this role if we choose to---if we choose to.
Did this child really choose to have this photos posted online? I am not sure, it is possible. Was it wise of a parent to post photos that peers might eventually make fun of online that tie in to his sensitive emotions on loss, family, and being adopted? I question that. Ultimately, the parent had a final say as to whether or not it was wise to post it online--the parent posted it not the child. The parent could have said, "this is not a good idea" but they did not. I disagree with their decision.
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Compiled by Laura Dennis, image from freedigitalphotos.net
