The things people say
We have all experienced the things that people say that annoy or lift us up. Many times the
things people say take us by surprise.
People can be curious, nosy or just plain opinionated. There is no way to avoid the things people
say unless you live alone and never venture out into the world. I chose just a few because they stick out in
my mind. I would love to hear comments
from others about the things people have said to them that really stuck.
How does it feel to
be adopted?
If I had a quarter for every time somebody asked me this, I’d
have a fat savings account. Most of the
time this question was asked by kids my age when I was growing up. It’s one of those questions you can’t really
answer because I don’t know how it feels to NOT be adopted. But I'll try to give you a general idea:
It feels different, strange, unnatural, and at times
comforting. (as in, “thank God I’m not
really related to some of these people!).
Other times it feels like it’s part of who I am and I embrace the positive of being adopted. Granted, I would have never
chosen being adopted (notice the word chosen is not being used in the common
way- i.e. “chosen child”). But despite not choosing it, I do feel it has
enabled me to have greater empathy, concern and understanding for children’s
rights, and discrimination against minorities in general. (and make no mistake, adoptees are minorities
with lesser legal civil rights than the non-adopted).
You’re weird because
you are adopted.
I admit it. I am weird.
But not any weirder than anyone else was in middle school. But during one particular dramatic fight
between my group of tweens in 6th grade, they all turned against
me. Why? Because I was weird for being
adopted. How do you fight that one? It’s not a disease
you can catch. It wasn’t a choice I
made. It just is what it is.
As a parent, I tell my kids that
other kids will find something to pick on you for. I guess for me it was
adoption at that moment in time. Looking
back, this may be a good lesson for kids
not to be so open about being adopted (like I was). I tell my daughter that the fact she is
adopted is totally her business and she
doesn’t have to share that information unless she wants to (please note
that this is not the same as keeping secrets; it is called having good
boundaries). I was a naturally open
child and was raised in an environment where there was no shame in being adopted. So I had no problem being honest with the
world. Sometimes that can backfire.
How did your mother
take it? (when they find out I am in
reunion with my first mom)
(pictured left are myself and my two mothers)
When I hear this, my stomach churns. What this seemingly innocent question really means
to me is this:
“Wow . . you sure were
disloyal to seek out your first mom. How
could you be such a terrible daughter to do such a thing to the mother who
raised you!? I bet she was really ticked! To think her daughter would be searching for
a woman who gave her away! That woman
doesn’t deserve to know you. She didn’t want you. She certainly didn’t look for you and now you
want to rub it in your mom’s face? The woman who sacrificed her life caring for
you?”
That might sound dramatic to you but that is exactly what I
hear inside when you ask me this question.
I believe this attitude stems from most women’s (mothers’) need to be
the only mom. It is unnatural to have
two mothers; hence the conflict when a stepmother or a first mother enters the
picture. I have yet to meet a man who
is not happy for me that I found my birth family. I have yet to meet a man who didn’t
congratulate my husband and I on adopting our daughter. Almost every woman who knows or learns of
this information has some issue with either my reunion, my daughter’s adoption
or our decision to allow our daughter contact with her birth father.
Women are very territorial when it comes to their children. This territorial nature extends to others'
lives who have very different circumstances and life stories than they do. I get tired of feeling like I have to explain
my decisions to other people (women), especially when the majority of those
people know who gave birth to and/or fathered them. So many people believe absolutely in the
stereotype that adoption allows a fresh start (think blank slate) for both the
adoptee and the first parents. Nothing
could be further from the truth; however, I can see why people WANT to believe
that.
You should feel
grateful you weren’t aborted.
This statement wins number one way to get my blood boiling.
Every morning I wake up and look in the mirror and smile and say to myself,
“What a great day to NOT have been aborted!”
I then do a cartwheel across my living room just imagining how close I
came to being killed.
Seriously, what possesses people to ask this? Are you really that ignorant as to social
graces to even go there? My neighbor
asked me this at church! I was sitting there eating my donut when this came out
of his mouth!! (granted, he is an adoptive parent whose own two adult children
(my age) had not searched out their biological parents as far as he knew). A little too close for his own comfort maybe.
I don’t have to be any more grateful than anyone else for
not being aborted so please (I beg of you) do not say this to anyone you know,
adopted or not. Nobody wants to think
about how they might have been aborted.
It’s kind of like thinking about your own funeral. Most people don’t want to go there. Married women have abortions. Don’t assume that because somebody is adopted
you automatically know their life story.
Many, many adopted people were wanted from the start.
Most inspiring
statement made to me by an adoptive mother:
“I took my daughter
to Russia to meet her family because I couldn’t imagine not ever being able to
look into my mother’s face.”
FINALLY! Someone who gets it.
